Memorandum: NEW OFFICE POLICY effective January 1, 2009Dress Code:
1) While reporting for work; you are strongly advised to dress according to your salary.
2) If you're wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your finance better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will be granted 104 personal days per year. They are namely Saturdays & Sundays (you may need to report for work on personal days should you fall behind schedule)
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral service on your behalf. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the wake should be scheduled in late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being wasted in restrooms. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, toilet paper roll will retract, stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. Subsequent offenders, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
1) Skinny people gets 30 mins for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
2) Normal size people gets 15 mins for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3) Chubby people gets 5mins for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management. (Please Pass on to those who are still employed!)
